bleargh

2011-02-17T14:24:00.002+08:00

i wana work.work.work. $$$. save save save

hopefully my 1st pay i'll be able to bring my parents to night safari n zoo.

having good feelings abt it. insya'allah. but what job? hopefully bobo will bring me back in MC.

(:

2011-02-13T21:51:00.002+08:00

having no feelings at all is the worst feeling. true much?

where have i gone to? -feeling empty.

2011-02-11T11:25:00.000+08:00

i gotta stop.

smoking, drinking redbull, sleeping late.

with immediate effect.PERIOD.

2011-02-01T19:19:00.001+08:00

it really sucks when you have this ache on your left side of your chest....your heart...for no reason at all..

so near yet so far.

2011-01-29T03:16:00.003+08:00

jangan kerana satu titik, kau ibaratkan semuanya kotor. jangan pikir kau sorang baik, sedangkan kau lebih buruk.

just because i couldnt make the time to meet you, i was labelled. thank you.

2011-01-27T23:29:00.001+08:00

"..... and i really think i have this negative thing against guys/males/man.... i guess i can never be normal.... fuck it...."

2011-01-25T18:58:00.001+08:00

because i know i just cant say i miss you no more... but i really do. sucks big time.

2011-01-25T14:58:00.001+08:00

when i wished i could give a loud shout out, telling the whole world of my problem. but hearing theirs made me small. im such a loser.

2011-01-21T21:54:00.001+08:00

jatoh lagi girl?

2011-01-21T18:48:00.003+08:00

well here i am. as usual. left alone.

2011-01-20T01:10:00.001+08:00

" and i realise this whole time i've been trying to perfect someone else's step, instead of finding my own.." - sarah, save d last dance

2011-01-19T19:38:00.002+08:00

there's no such thing as a happy fairy tale ending. the director just didnt want to show you how a real life can actually be. he said, let them find the real way to live life.

2011-01-19T01:58:00.002+08:00

i've always been crappy. saying crappy things to you. im sorry about that.
i havent been a good friend to you. im sorry about that.

truth is, im afraid to be your friend. cause im always gonna want more.
but i thought i'd rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.

and im sorry about that. about me being me. maybe i've been too much. maybe it's just best to leave it as it is.

2011-01-19T00:23:00.002+08:00

every single day. i had doubts. i wanted to give up.
im simply tired. i really am. i just dont understand what's in your mind.
but i simply just couldnt give up. because i've already promised you. that i will always be here for you. although it hurts.

because i shall keep at least this one promise. till you are truly happy.

2011-01-17T01:51:00.001+08:00

as much as i try to be like a normal friend to you, i dont think that's the case for you..

2011-01-16T21:10:00.001+08:00

what you reap is what you sow,
oh hajar, didnt i tell you so?
all the promises that you broke,
now seems to be eating you slow.

stop the tape, forward to tuesday please.

2011-01-16T20:46:00.003+08:00

argh. i fucking hate this feelings.

when too many things are playing in my mind, making me confused on what exactly im thinking/worrying about - that's like fucked up.

like seriously, it keeps bugging me. im feeling all jittery, palm wet, feet cold, heart pumping fast.

plus. a body that is on the way to having fever. a body feels cranky after a fall in the toilet. a head that feels like it got hit by a baseball bat.

and tmr is monday. marketing lesson. marketing ut after that. and fyp meeting after that.

HOW'S THAT?

no, not reasons... but what the fuck?

2011-01-13T12:05:00.002+08:00

when at times u had that little inch of desire to change.confidence.positivity. there will always be something that kills it.burns it.demoralise you. and the next instant, you are back to being you.....

got a new resolution, it seems..

2011-01-12T21:39:00.002+08:00

i got a good feeling when i think of work in the future... something new. something nice aye?

in 2 years time..

to do/have list:

change my room layout.
- new wardrobe
- new bed
- new painting
- treat my parents to a holiday
- go on a holiday with friends.

will i be able to do it?

2011-01-11T23:57:00.004+08:00

a picture doesnt really tell a thousand words. it's our memories that make you go speechless. cause no words can ever describe what or how it was. but sadly, memories fade.

release me.cause im releasing you. well at least im trying my best.

peace.love.

2011-01-08T15:29:00.001+08:00

when at some point of time.. i dont regret for whatever i did. because i believe i had made you smile. even if it was a long long time ago.

2011-01-07T23:35:00.002+08:00

because all i ever hope.. in the midst of us being away, so near yet so far.. for you to be fine, just fine.

hey you,

i really dont know what happened. that made you stay away from me. that made you go quiet. that made you leave me just like that.. hanging..

it's okay. just know that watever happens, i'll be right here for you if you ever need someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean on to, a friend.

and that will be enough for me.

2011-01-05T01:34:00.001+08:00

you have to learn to start saying no, hajar. you really do.

dont wait till they say.. "time's up."

your choice.

2011-01-04T10:50:00.000+08:00

if others can do to me, why cant i do to them?

karma blind?

2011-01-03T23:09:00.002+08:00

people change not because of time. but because they really cant stand YOU anymore. fuck you. stop making yourself look like some innocent bitch. you're just the same as any other so called friend, my dear.

once again, fuck you.

2011-01-03T11:11:00.000+08:00

cause even in silence, im not at peace. for i am forever fighting against myself.

2011-01-03T01:42:00.001+08:00

tk hairan laa dgn kau! sial.

2011-01-02T22:02:00.002+08:00

im really tired.. of being in silence..

just as i managed to let you go, you came back. and then you disappear, once again.

what am i to you? a hotel?

2010-12-30T22:47:00.001+08:00

just a simple wish. for the new year.
forget everything that happened back then,
remove all the heart pain,

release me.

2010-12-29T21:50:00.002+08:00

is love really blind?
does it really make u stupid?
because for all i ever remember, i would say nevermind, it's okay.
but there you are.. making me like a fool.

wtf? seriously la sial.. arghhhhhhh fuck!

2010-12-28T22:46:00.003+08:00

i just wonder will you be there like how i was for you when im down? will you cheer me up when i lost my mood all of a sudden? will u keep talking crap to me when im bored?

i just wonder will you ever?

2010-12-27T16:19:00.002+08:00

i blog in my sadness.
because i dont want my loved ones to see me sad.
because it is easier writing them down here without anyone judging you.

i potray my happiness.
because i want to share it with my loved ones.
because being happy is easy.

2010 has been sucky. but it gives me experiences. at least now i know how it is being sad. i dont want to have a resolutions for the next year. because i want to be me again. carefree. always running away from problems. because i just want to live my life. stupid, i know.

but this is me.

2010-12-23T00:28:00.003+08:00

was drawing you a note, as usual. hoping to put a smile on your face, but u signed out. alas.. drawings all gone..

"dear you,

please dont be sad?

hey moon, will you put a smile on her face before she goes to sleep?

lots of love.
me."

2010-12-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

will you be here? i miss you.

2010-12-16T22:45:00.001+08:00

im tired.. i need a time on my own.. just like how everyone else needs.

but you just dont care. i dont think i even mattered to you.

2010-12-15T14:55:00.002+08:00

maybe i was wrong all this while. even though i said i dont expect anything, i had that little inch of hope. but right now, all i can say is, i'm happy just to be friends with you.

you'll always be my special friend.bitch. love.

2010-12-14T22:47:00.002+08:00

i dont understand. you keep using 'mood' as a reason. why do you have to keep playing around?

and seriously, dont make me lose my patience.

2010-12-14T13:56:00.002+08:00

when at times i'm confused, just who am i to you. will you write me letters like how i would write to you? and will you read the letters i wrote?

i was selfish.evil.
i was happy when i heard that your relationships were on the rocks. i was happy when you said you felt angry at him. i was.. but i knew that wasnt what i want. for you. because all i ever wanted is for you to be happy.

2010-12-13T18:47:00.004+08:00

sometimes i really dont know if i'm just being plain stupid or is this the way of life - being an easy going person who sticks to everyone, but no one sticks to me, helping others but no one helps me, trusts everyone but no one trusts me.

in the end i know, i have to stop expecting. but...

i dont want to sound, seem desperate. but hell, i freaking miss you. i just wana meet you, that's all........

and then come those times when i have to keep reminding myself... dont think too much into it, dont expect too much...just go with the flow.

hearts.you.

2010-12-10T21:48:00.003+08:00

for everytime i tell myself to let you go, i see your face and i fall..
they said to move on, but where do i go?
my heart still hurts, but you dont know.
coz those pictures, songs, and name are still a sore.

i'm sorry, but i cant just shut my heart as i want to.

2010-12-09T23:04:00.001+08:00

you are so near yet so far.. i cant even tell you how much i freaking miss you.

2009-08-29T14:30:00.000+08:00

it hurts you doesn't it? people telling you that you are fat. then how about the time when you called me something more hurtful? something that i can still remember until today. you don't seem to remember what you said huh? well think about it. i'm sure what's happening to you right now is called retribution. don't ever blame others or even fate. cause it is f*shing your own bloody mouth.hmmm..maybe it's just a JOKE to you. or maybe just something that came out of your mouth without you realising it. or you didnt mean it? too bad. i'm sorry i still bear this grudge. n i'm sorry cauze i HATE YOU. i SWEAR if u ever gona be with my twin brother, i dont know how and why must you be with him, i swear i'm gona make your life f*shing miserable that you'd wished you never even think about it. ya i'm nice to you. that's because of the relationship we have. i respect you as a person. don't think "orh! im so popular. i'm so in need!" whatever. cause ppl find you only when they have problem. not when YOU have the problem.

GET THIS IN YOUR HEAD, I FUCKING HATE YOU! (you should know who you are. well if you don't, thick skin.)

who the hell am i

2009-07-30T15:10:00.001+08:00

i really need you to understand me, mother.

2009-02-10T17:30:00.003+08:00

i had this dream a few days ago.

* i saw myself going out of my house with my parents at the door.i waved them goodbye and said "nanti kita tido sama2 lagi" which mean "we'll sleep together again". then my mom came to me and hugged me, crying.*

what's the meaning behind this dream? it felt so real that i woke up in tears. it may be just a dream, but i once had a dream and i saw birds desperately wanting to get into my house through my bedroom window. and guess what, it is happening now. i shouldn't be telling you this but what's happening?

***

i just wished....

2009-01-20T12:42:00.004+08:00

always wanted to call you mine,
but a lil concern if you would mind.
qns after qns linger in my mind,
but i'm always a lil too shy.
u are too good for a guy,
i'm such a fool for u to fly(away).
hope it wont be a goodbye,
but instead always be with a smile.
'i hate you' would be a lie,
but 'i ___ you' would be our favourite line...

remember this poem i did last year?

haha......

****

mom dad,

i love you both.

& i think i love you soo much that i just cant seem to leave you behind.

i'm sorry for being the spoilt one.

well, mom.

i'm sorry i can't fulfil your wish.

i can't force myself to take him.

i can't go on deceiving anyone anymore.

let it be.let it grow.let it take its time.

on its own.

sometimes the truth kills.

even to someone who doesn't know what to do.who to tell.when to take action.

i just wished i could tell the secret to someone i really trust.someone who will understand.someone who will take care of me.someone who will stand in front of me.someone who will back me up. TO TELL THE TRUTH.

***

have a nice day everyone.

2009-01-07T18:31:00.002+08:00

baa baa black sheep have you any wool?
yes sir yes sir, three bags full.
all for my mother who wants to make pillow for me laaaa..

HAHAHAHA...k im bored..

to CARMEN,

all my life i have always been thinking.why.yes of course everyone is different.but it seems like i am totally the weirdest of all.i dono how to talk,i dono why mind is always a blank whenever i wana try to talk something or reply to anyone.i just think that im a sicko in head.a sadist who doesnt understand jokes and never laugh but try to laugh anyway and make myself look even more stupid.seriously.i just felt like im an empty statue.in fact i am envy of those who can talk.but anyway,thanks for giving me the advices.thanks to you and najihah ya!

***

well anw today's busking was hmm...sucky for the first slot but great for the second one(at least i was enjoying myself)
i dono who initiated for us to stand at the entrance of the RPC walkway.the response from the crowd was bad coz it's either they(students going for smoke break) just walked pas or they(the others:like apek, nyonya from dono where) just stared at us.
then the second slot was great.the timing and location gave us more motivation and confidence.HAHA.
i dont think im gona quit BE.coz that's my passion.n im gona continue learning the other instruments!! wheee...

long entry aye...gona end it with a song....

twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are
HAHAH...im sleepy laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

bye.

how stupid can i be

2008-12-27T14:49:00.003+08:00

what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

im stuck in this big shit.the truth that is holding me back.i just cant do anything.truth fucking hurts.even if it hurts you that much, you still dont understand what is happening to me.ya, you may be the HERO to sacrifice every little fucking thing.but what about me?i dont even fucking know what is happening to myself.

i followed what they told me to.and now they left me stranded with this big shit.

i dont want to hate you.neither do i love you. leave me please.

i'm sorry it has to end this way.or has it?

2008-11-11T10:33:00.003+08:00

enjoy babey!

can i perform again?

2008-11-05T08:38:00.003+08:00

WoOOOoooOOHHoOOooOOoO!!!

Beats Encore's You've Got Beats II

It was a BLAST!

Hiakdush!! you guys are my rainbow la dey!

next up.. the CLOSING BASH!

i don't want to go to school anymore can?

but i want to go for BE's practice...ONLY.hahha.

when is the next holiday?

2008-11-04T22:22:00.001+08:00

sometimes i just wished, Dear GOD,

just take me with you.

i don't wish to hurt my parents.

please GOD.

2008-11-03T23:55:00.002+08:00

there's too many things that is happening around me.i cant seem to focus anymore.not like before.i just can't be like before.there's no aim.no goals.no motivation.no energy.nothing at all.i'm simply wasting my time,my day by day.

tomorrow's the big day.the show that we've all been waiting for.the show we've practiced for months.but now, here i am sitting blogging, feeling like there's something that need to be done, but i just don't know what it is.i seem to be rushing.to get it done.but do what?

the fever just don't wana go away.the headache is always there.

how can i tell you what i'm feeling.the truth.everybody seems to be pushing me onto you.but everyone just don't seem to understand.well, i don't understand it myself.why am i so different.the fact that i can't be like others.i know it'll be like losing a gold or even life if i lose you.you are just too good for me.seriously i don't wana hurt anyone around me.not you, not my mom.but how am i supposed to tell you straight,it's just not the right time yet?

argh!

well, the results are out.went for checkup the other day.and it's all because of you. yes you, PO! hahaha..no i don't have any sickness.i don't have cancer.NO! hahha..it's just because of that dust in PO who haven't bathe for i'm not sure how long.you see, the dusts will all come into my nose who happens to be so sensitive that it'll get swollen and then i'll have difficulty breathing.i'm not too clear about why it always bled though.haha.so no need for worries!

now mom's by my side watching kittens on youtube.the ironic thing about me is, i loveeee cats but i'm scared of them! heehee..k off to bed now!

wish me luck for tmr!

photo updates!!

2008-10-11T00:17:00.003+08:00

k..family photo not ready yet since twin bro is still in camp..haiz..i tink by end of syawal then it'll be ready.. HAHA.. i simply love the 1st candid pic...HAHA..my cousin was the photographer and i was so called the model...posing..she told me to dance...so randomly i just shake shake shake.hehe..it somehow looked like siti nurhaliza's pic..HAHAHAHAHA...

i'll update with a proper one next time ya...nothing special anw..hahha..byebye

wheeeeeeee!!!

2008-09-24T11:39:00.003+08:00

korang korang!! jom pegi lagi!!!

harlow

2008-09-11T22:13:00.004+08:00

and so today went to CGH with mum to have a checkup..didnt think that it would be serious but as soon as i told the doctor what happened in the last few days, she said...

" all right..we're gona put in a camera into your nose n see what's inside!"

before putting in the look-like-snake-kind-of-camera into my nostril, she spray something into both side of my nose to numb it. seriously i really felt like sneezing onto her face and vomit it out coz it taste damn weird....

and then, she said....

"it's gona taste like poison but it's otey to swallow it...go on..taste it!"

and then she said...

"hmm...inside your nose usually the tissue will be smaller as you grow..but...yours is so big for a 20 year old! it's the normal size for a 7 year old..."

i was like errr....is that all right or...?

and then she took a stick which really look like a normal stick that has the size of a vitagen straw..she puts it into my nostril..

"now it's gona pain a little like spicy kind of feeling in your nose..i'm gona burn...(don't know what coz i was like shocked when i heard she said she's gona burn my nose?!)....."

till now my nose is in pain...like some pedih/burning sensation u noe? don't know? nvm... n the water is flowing non-setop!!!

and then she said...

"we're gona have a close monitor on you....if there's no changes..we're gona take the tissue inside your nose to test what it is..."

so..that means..im gona have an operation? hmmm....

"wait...does your family have cancer backgrd?...."

it couldn't be that serious?

can i have Po with me Doctor? please??

may you rest in peace. Hafiz Bean

2008-09-06T16:50:00.005+08:00

i was shocked..till now i havent talked to anyone.what i saw in the malay newpaper early this morning was certainly something least expected.

a friend who 'took care' of me during the ndp practice early this year.

a friend whom i've started to feel close to.

a friend who was the first guy to sms me for so long.

a friend who just won't listen to advices.

a friend who always insisted i ride on his bike.

and now he's gone..yeap to join the others in heaven.nothing ever could explain my feeling i had when i saw the news about his accident.i kept crying and crying till i fell asleep.though we never meet for so long.we were still in contact and it was just a few days ago that we last messaged each other.

well, may you sleep well as what you've wanted and told your mom.

**tsk tsk tsk i wana spit at your face

2008-09-01T01:34:00.003+08:00

its 1.33 am now..was listening to RIA...n i heard my aunt's voice...(Mak Bibah) acting fiza's mom..hhaahha..."piza tkde kat sini lagi..." hahahha..

i was thinking..what is happening to the world now.

particularly to that someone from the past.

she came, she "helped/"cheered" us all (even my grandparents)

n then something happened..

n then she's gone.

just like that.

in between she told BIG lies.

too big that we thought it's too good to be true.

imagine a typical indonesian drama..

orphan, sick, aunts and uncles want her money.

typical isn't it?

well, that was 'her story'

we thought its otey...give her a chance..maybe she is sick.maybe it is happening in the real world after all..

but all her photos she showed us..its fake.seriously.having someone skinny and tall to be you when you were 19? and few years later you turn out like a.....and SHORT.

haha...funny..and then..you were..*never mind this part. its too private for my family.*

and pooof! you are gone just like that..

you left your things here.

FINE.

but now?

YOU'RE FUCKING BACK!

orh...why not come here? we'll welcome you with big hugs...NOT!

after what you've done to my family, my grandparents and my uncle..

you dare to come back.. for what??

guess guys!

to dstrb/harass us again!

prank calls my grandparents and uncles.

WHAT FUCKING DO YOU WANT BITCH?!

couting the days...

2008-08-30T22:16:00.003+08:00

two more days to fasting month....

which i am looking forward to HARI RAYA!!! hahaha..

four more days to school...

which i am certainly not looking forward to..

new class
new frens

its back to square one la dey which i really hate!

im soo sick of being me right now.. i wana be the old me!!

the one running around screaming like nobody's business..

the one who would disturb anyone(seriously, even those i dont know)

the one who would make frens with aunties/uncles who be busy sweeping the floor..

HAHA...

seriously....im just looking for the spark for my inner monster to unleash!

right now im just an 'innocent' , 'quiet' girl..

can we just go back now?

i miss my ite friends..

today at 6pm

2008-08-28T21:03:00.006+08:00

good evening. here is the news update on tatatRus.

my brother was operated at 9am on wednesday morning.

doctors have confirmed that he had appendix and has removed it, which was said to be as big as 2 thumbs.

he has since been on a quick recovery that he was seen walking like a healthy man just a few hours after the operation!

and now, he'll spend the next one week at home with all cosmopo kuncu!

and from the crew of COSMOPO & tatatRus, here's a wishing you "May you get well soon."

much love.

today at 6pm

2008-08-27T01:25:00.003+08:00

good evening, here it is in news tatatRus at 130am

my twin bro got hospitalised in NUH after complain of stomach ache and difficulty in passing motion.

investigations says that he is suspected of having appendix.

yes, hard to believe but true.

the investigators are still on the case.

any witnesses please do come forward to help in the case.

call 1800-youknow-thenumber for any enquiry

i love you bro.

whAT Now?

2008-08-25T21:35:00.003+08:00

im confused with what people want, really.

is it WRONG to be quiet sometimes?

must i be noisy?

like ALL THE TIME?

how do you want me to be?

noisyORquiet?

but i thought you are irritated by me?

pleasedontletthisleadtowhathappened3yearsago.

*****************************************************************

wheeewhooowhheeewhooo...im bored...

go watch KAMI on youtube..its nice!

(oops sorie its a malay drama.)

.its about teenage students living in KL.

life can never be a fantasy.

baa baa black sheep? HAHAHA

2008-08-24T00:18:00.000+08:00

all these are random made by me..sorie lina..aku tkde byk gamba kau laaa....i'll do the next one with you aite...

always wanted to call you mine,

but a lil concern if you would mind.

qns after qns linger in my mind,

but i'm always a lil too shy.

u are too good for a guy,

i'm such a fool for u to fly(away).

hope it wont be a goodbye,

but instead always be with a smile.

'i hate you' would be a lie,

but 'i ___ you' would be our favourite line...

life is never easy to cope.with secrets even harder to be shared with family.what's more to reveal to the world?i cant lie anymore to anyone.but i cant possibly tell the truth.should i just go ahead with these lie.or break the silence and sink into uncertainty?